You are not the problem. Self blame is what most of us do when something terrible is done to us. “Did I do something? Would I have done something different? Can I change their minds? Etc”
But no love, most of the time, it’s not on you. Something wrong is happening/happened and you didn’t do anything to bring it upon yourself. Go through your healing smoothly and carefully, don’t break the little they left of you. You’re amazing as it is.
There’s a day I visited my friend, who happens to be my ex-boyfriend. We’ve moved on, it’s been years since we separated, we both are dating different people and well, we are hanging out. We did horrible things to each other during our courtship, we could have both healed, I don’t know. (I personally did).
Time goes by and before long, his hands are on my body and his lips on mine. “You’re a changed man, you can’t do this with your ex. Aren’t you dating?” I asked. He smiled it off and swept his girlfriend’s conversation under the rag. Long story short, we spent hours of me refusing his endeavors to sleep with me, and he? Saying he didn’t want to talk about his dating life and totally nothing besides have sex with me.
I wondered if she was amazing, did she know this happens and keeps forgiving him cause she’s in love with him? Does she hope he’ll change for her? Grow up perhaps? Cause during my time, this is exactly what I did. Blame self for everything the other did, hoping I’d do something different and make him a better person?
He spent time on the phone talking to her and assuring her she was overthinking everything. I still thought, “is her gut feeling telling her something is wrong? Does she suspect a lot and this time she’s right? Are his little lies of assurances making her heart flatter and let go of the obvious truth? She truly deserved better” and so I left. I wasn’t about to take my fellow girl through the hell I went through. She most probably will go through it, just not with me in the picture.
During my healing, I spent years wondering what I did, where I was wrong and what I’d have done better. But no, I am amazing, I deserve the love I give, the loyalty, honesty, attention, and care. I did nothing wrong and it’s not my fault that people are horrible in and out. Somebody, some day will love me as much as I love, and I won’t have to question one part of it.
And you my darling, break the shackles of self blame and face your healing with a smile. You’re a gem, and it’s their loss for gambling that. Move with your head held high, those who know how to handle treasure will love you.
It’s not you, it could be them. You deserve better. And I love you.
Writer; Komujuni Daphine, A poet